The Power of Speaking Up

I am 46 years old and this 46th year received tons of blessings on my birthday month. For almost as long as I can remember I have been grappling with personal issues of self-loathing and non-acceptance. What was once loathing had turned into an uneasy “acceptance” of myself but there was still some part that was constantly questioning who am I and what was I meant to do on this earth.

Early this month, I had a conversation with one of my good friends and in the course of this conversation finally made peace with my introverted personality. I had always been comfortable in small group gatherings rather than large ones. I had always been better at expressing my thoughts in the written word rather than the spoken word. In words rather than pictures. Organizing activities rather than prettyfying things. These were skills which I had but which I thought did not matter. So I always thought I lacked skills because I was looking for abilities to talk in front of others, be visual in picture form—but I was not those skills. I can work on those skills to enhance myself but I now know I own a set of God given talents. I am finally at peace with my personality and my skills. As soon as that peace and acceptance came upon me, the discomfort in my gut disappeared. In the books on self-development I have been devouring, the gut is where our self-esteem and self-love is felt.

A few days after that earth-shaking breakthrough, God sent me another birthday gift. I was given an opportunity to share my journey with my family. I have not been sharing because of fear—fear of what I will hear. Many times in the past my excitement in my little accomplishments were met with criticisms. My bubble of excitement would be pricked and burst right there. These experiences have taught me to keep quiet about my journey in case it is belittled. It is for me a great accomplishment and one I am very proud of. Alan, my youngest brother was to give an introduction to the Landmark Forum to the family. He asked me to support him and share my journey with them. I agreed to this simple request. I did not realize that opening up was the final step I needed to let go of the past and face my present and my future.

The simple act of speaking up changed my life. I speak up now—in the cab when the airconditioner doesn’t work, in restaurants when I am given the wrong order—these are mundane everyday activities I could never do before. I have finally found my voice.

I now know what I am meant to do—I am meant to journey with others accept themselves and find their own voices. I don’t know yet how that will happen. I know it will though.

There is life in accepting myself

Since coming to that magical moment of accepting myself, the nagging discomfort at the pit of my tummy has disappeared.

Reading up on introversion, I find I am not strange after all. Those questions about life constantly plaguing me which my siblings found weird are part of who I am. The introvert has an inquiring mind. Although we live and breathe like everyone else, our world is directed inward. We get our energies from within--being around a lot of people drains our energy. I now understand why I am constantly tired and bothered when I am surrounded by a group of boisterous people.

Understanding myself has given me power over my energy and my life. I now have a choice to either stay with others and interact with them or to pull back and be by myself when it becomes too much.

I began practicing this in my life. Yesterday, after a particularly crowded day in my work area, I decided to look for a quiet place to read away from the maddening crowd. It worked! I got my energy back. I was not as tired when I got home and had energy to interact with Javo who is definitely an extrovert.

Acknowledging myself as an introvert has stopped that interior struggle constantly going on in my head when I am in a gathering of people. "Say something, start a conversation!" is one side and then the other side argues, "but what do I say?" and the more I try to think of something to say, the more it evades me. I am now comfortable with my decisions to sit quietly on the sidelines and watch the gathering.

I am now able to operate in this world to the best of my ability.