Play with love

My family--the descendants of Hilarion and Rosario Silayan--had another fun-filled weekend at the 4th edition of our Silayan games. We do this periodically to bond and renew ties and have fun. Our sportsfests are the funniest and the rules are the wackiest as most of us are non-athletes. The competitive ones sometimes become frustrated because most of the time we are just laughing our heads off and cheering each other on. The last Silayan games was held in the '90s when we were in our early adult years and my adult nieces and nephews were toddlers and gradeschoolers.

Arriving the day before the games were set and while waiting for the rest of the clan to arrive, we were watching the kids play billiards. We had been doing this for two or three hours when my cousin-in-law suggested the mommies watching played the game. My instinct was to decline as I did not know how to play the game but then as we began to stand and take our turn at shooting the ball, I decided ok, why not give it a chance.

We ended up playing a very long game because none of us could hit the ball enough to sink them in the pockets. As we were pressed for time but wanted to finish the game, we decided to have fun with the balls and move the white ball around. Our version of billiards became more fun as we each placed the ball where we thought we could hit and sink the others. Of course, sometimes the balls still refused to go in but still, we moved, we tried, and finally we conquered.

I realize the essence of play is to just enjoy the moment and not be so conscious about playing by the rules especially when there are no rules except to keep the peace and enjoy each other's company.

Thank you to my family who enjoy life and one another!

Keep the Big Picture Alive

After the highs of the past few days and the conviction of what I want to do with my life--work in the area of self-empowerment and the development of close family ties--I am now plagued by insecurity and self-doubt. Am I ready for such a big responsibility?

I now realize that as a human being, this happens to us every so often. And this would always happen to me in the past. But instead of bringing back my focus on what I wanted to do, I would remain in the space of self-doubt. I finally understand that the key is to understand what is happening (self-doubt), acknowledge its presence, but choose to keep my eyes on what I want--which is to have a community of empowered beings living together in peace and harmony.

Instead of giving in to the self-doubt which I would normally do, I realize that it is in going back to focus on what I want that my goal and ambitions in life will be realized. But how do I go back to focusing on what I want?
Step 1. realize what is happening
Step 2. acknowledge what is happening but do one small thing related to the goal (in my case, writing this blog)
Step 3. Create a vision board or post a reminder of what I want where I can see it always
Step 4. Believe, believe, believe! in my ability to achieve my goals

What about you? Do you have a goal which is buried deep in your heart? Bring it back to the sunlight and believe that it is possible. Take small steps to make it a reality.

Faith, Purpose, and Focus

Faith, purpose, and focus are key ingredients to living the life I want. This is what I got in the past two weeks. Two Sundays ago, the gospel reading was about Peter walking on water to go to Jesus a few feet away. While he was focused on his desire to reach Jesus, he was able to do anything including walk on water. He was unstoppable. When he realized what was happening and self-doubt entered the picture, that's when he began to sink.

Since declaring myself to be a stand for personal growth and self-discovery, I have been writing more often, getting my blog more active, and been shown a website I can join to reach more people. I find I finally have the ability to be focused and determined about what I want to achieve out of my life. I find I am capable of being unstoppable. It is when I doubt myself--am I good enough, who do I think I am to want to do this--it is when thoughts like these enter my mind that I lose the power and the strength to go after what I want.

Last night though, I finally got the word unstoppable during the last night of Landmark Forum. I finally got that to be unstoppable is to have a single purpose to focus on and put my heart and soul into achieving this. Just keep my eyes on the purpose (like a horse with blinders) and not look left, right or back (do not lose faith, do not doubt). With these in place, I can finally reach my destination.

What about you? Are there areas in your life where you want to be unstoppable?

Discovering love and purpose

Accepting myself unconditionally--my strengths and weaknesses--has opened up a whole new world for me because on the tail of unconditional acceptance came confidence and purpose.

I am not a psychologist neither am I a sociologist--I did not study human behavior but my observations are a result of my life journey. I am 46 years old and spent my adult years in search of answers to my perennial question: who Am I? Why was I born? Why did God put me on earth when, to my view, I had nothing to contribute. I hated myself and could not accept the talents and strengths that were given to me. I was always looking towards others for answers and got frustrated when all I received were the comments I was not looking for. These comments reinforced my already negative view of myself--I had no talent because I could not draw, I could not visualize. I hated myself because I was uncomfortable being an extrovert. I so badly wanted to be one because that is what I got growing up.

This view I had of myself frustrated those around me because they saw great potential in me but until I saw it and recognized it myself, nothing would come out of my life. And nothing did. I wallowed in mediocrity--doing things to get by and doing my best not to be noticed. In my life, I contributed little to conversation with others. I hid by playing with kids because I could just play with them and they always accepted me into their circle. I put up with shabby treatment because I did not want to cause a commotion. In other words, my self-esteem and self-love were nowhere to be found.

Recent events in my life (in previous entries) has given me acceptance, confidence--a voice and courage to approach people--I asked two of the Azkals players for an autograph and photo--this would never have happened and was unthinkable.

Finally, revealed a purpose--to talk about the importance of unconditional love and acceptance of the self and of others. This blog is a start. I am willing to use other platforms--that is how strongly it has made an impact in my life.

The Power of Speaking Up

I am 46 years old and this 46th year received tons of blessings on my birthday month. For almost as long as I can remember I have been grappling with personal issues of self-loathing and non-acceptance. What was once loathing had turned into an uneasy “acceptance” of myself but there was still some part that was constantly questioning who am I and what was I meant to do on this earth.

Early this month, I had a conversation with one of my good friends and in the course of this conversation finally made peace with my introverted personality. I had always been comfortable in small group gatherings rather than large ones. I had always been better at expressing my thoughts in the written word rather than the spoken word. In words rather than pictures. Organizing activities rather than prettyfying things. These were skills which I had but which I thought did not matter. So I always thought I lacked skills because I was looking for abilities to talk in front of others, be visual in picture form—but I was not those skills. I can work on those skills to enhance myself but I now know I own a set of God given talents. I am finally at peace with my personality and my skills. As soon as that peace and acceptance came upon me, the discomfort in my gut disappeared. In the books on self-development I have been devouring, the gut is where our self-esteem and self-love is felt.

A few days after that earth-shaking breakthrough, God sent me another birthday gift. I was given an opportunity to share my journey with my family. I have not been sharing because of fear—fear of what I will hear. Many times in the past my excitement in my little accomplishments were met with criticisms. My bubble of excitement would be pricked and burst right there. These experiences have taught me to keep quiet about my journey in case it is belittled. It is for me a great accomplishment and one I am very proud of. Alan, my youngest brother was to give an introduction to the Landmark Forum to the family. He asked me to support him and share my journey with them. I agreed to this simple request. I did not realize that opening up was the final step I needed to let go of the past and face my present and my future.

The simple act of speaking up changed my life. I speak up now—in the cab when the airconditioner doesn’t work, in restaurants when I am given the wrong order—these are mundane everyday activities I could never do before. I have finally found my voice.

I now know what I am meant to do—I am meant to journey with others accept themselves and find their own voices. I don’t know yet how that will happen. I know it will though.

In search of a computer

We are back online! A few days ago all our computers at home crashed--the PC and two laptops. I had looked forward to putting in some writing time while Javo was at school. Because I so dearly wanted to write, I became obsessed about not having one handy while I had the time. I completely forgot about those days when we had nothing but pen and paper for our use. When I finally remembered them, I looked for them and happily settled down getting my thoughts on paper.

Based on my experiences, this is what sometimes happens to us in life. We sometimes get obsessed about what we want to happen or how things should be that we get stuck and become blind to the other possibilities around us. We are sometimes unable to see the beauty right in front of us because of our anger, frustration, irritation or other negative emotions.

I know that as it became clearer that no computer was available that day, I became more agitated because I wanted to write and put my thoughts down.

As I remembered my pen and paper, sat down and began writing, I settled down and peace was in place again. All was right once more.

Mom and Me

I have been wanting to share my wonderful journey with mom for the longest time. But past conditionings--statements and actions made while I was growing up has made me very wary about saying anything to my mom and dad too. My siblings always threw lines like "tama na yan, Marla. Ayan ka na naman." And so I looked for friends who were willing to listen to my stories and my inquiries into life.

We were told not to cry while we were growing up. We were also criticized for shortcomings. They were meant well but were not received well. And so I stopped talking about the things that mattered most to me.

Things changed though when Alan, my youngest brother, asked me to support him and share my experience with the Landmark Forum to my family. Alan attended the Forum because of me but has remained active these past six years while I found other ways to travel through life. I agreed to support him as this has been so much a part of who he is and this meant a lot to him. It would also give me an opportunity to finally openly share of myself to my family. I was always scared I would fall short in their eyes as I seemed to do my whole life.

So when mom asked me about the Landmark Forum last Saturday. I finally opened up and told her of the many things I had gotten. It was great because it was a two-way conversation where she said she gets those from the many spiritual activities she attends. It was finally the conversation I had longed for--not the adult to child conversation they were accustomed to giving us and still gives me but a sharing of ideas and values and of what was important to us. This experience was my first weekend victory.

The next day I had an opportunity to share with a group. I was the last because I was not sure if I was needed or not. Something moved me to speak up though and talk and share to the people who mattered most to me. This was for me another victory because it appears to be the stop of my life. The one step I needed to do to help me move on with my life.

I feel that I have finally completed the past and the world is once more wide open and I am in a space where anything is possible! For that I thank Alan and my family--for giving me my life and opening up my world.