Growing Up and Growing Out

I took the LRT to my meeting yesterday. It brought back memories of my stay in Paco, Manila where I lived for two years--although life was more difficult than what I was used to, it was the time in my life where I grew up into adulthood (at the tender age of 44. hehehe) and one of the happiest times of my life.

I am one of those privileged enough to have a car bring me to school and back, bring me to work and back. We have a driver and helpers to do the housework. I enjoyed the privilege--I didn't have to walk to the corner to grab a ride, I didn't need to elbow my way into a ride during rush hour.

I didn't realize though that these experiences were contributing to my stunted growth in adulthood. It disabled me instead of enabling me. It left me in fear of the world outside the confines of the four walls of our house, and the world outside the windows of our car. Although one sees the world in a car, the airconditioner and closed windows cuts you off from the realities of life--from the sounds, smell, and heat that the rest of the world experiences.

I moved out of the house in 2005 and stayed in a studio unit in the V. Luna area. I can still feel the cool air and the feeling of "the world isn't so scary after all" while I was walking by myself in search of a way to get to office. Martin and I lived in this studio for a year and developed our own memories that cemented our ties as a family unit. We moved back to my mom's house when I was pregnant and moved out again when Javo was a little more than one year old.

It was at this point that we moved to Paco and created more memories as a family. It was also at this time where I was exposed to more realities of life--to the market vendors just a few feet away, to some of the vagrants who had no place to call their own. In living among them I discovered that the world was a friendly place to live in. That it was not as scary as I thought it was. Of course the dangers were still there. My sister-in-law had her necklace snatched at one point.

But learning to commute--ride the jeep, the bus, the LRT, learn how to get down in the middle of Taft and not be run over by an oncoming bus. Navigating the planks that appeared during the rainy season to get to dry land, learning to squeeze myself into a packed train car during rush hour to get home before it was very dark. I haven't learned to commute at night though. My courage and sense of discovery and need has not taken me that far yet.

Javo's first few years had him running a block from our house to my in-law's place. He saluted and spoke to those who would talk to him--the guard, the sari-sari store owner, the jeepney passengers. I want my son to grow up being a friend to both worlds. I want him to grow up fearless of the people around him but in order to do this, I must learn to stand aside, let him explore and curb my instinct to keep him protected from life.