Growing Up and Growing Out

I took the LRT to my meeting yesterday. It brought back memories of my stay in Paco, Manila where I lived for two years--although life was more difficult than what I was used to, it was the time in my life where I grew up into adulthood (at the tender age of 44. hehehe) and one of the happiest times of my life.

I am one of those privileged enough to have a car bring me to school and back, bring me to work and back. We have a driver and helpers to do the housework. I enjoyed the privilege--I didn't have to walk to the corner to grab a ride, I didn't need to elbow my way into a ride during rush hour.

I didn't realize though that these experiences were contributing to my stunted growth in adulthood. It disabled me instead of enabling me. It left me in fear of the world outside the confines of the four walls of our house, and the world outside the windows of our car. Although one sees the world in a car, the airconditioner and closed windows cuts you off from the realities of life--from the sounds, smell, and heat that the rest of the world experiences.

I moved out of the house in 2005 and stayed in a studio unit in the V. Luna area. I can still feel the cool air and the feeling of "the world isn't so scary after all" while I was walking by myself in search of a way to get to office. Martin and I lived in this studio for a year and developed our own memories that cemented our ties as a family unit. We moved back to my mom's house when I was pregnant and moved out again when Javo was a little more than one year old.

It was at this point that we moved to Paco and created more memories as a family. It was also at this time where I was exposed to more realities of life--to the market vendors just a few feet away, to some of the vagrants who had no place to call their own. In living among them I discovered that the world was a friendly place to live in. That it was not as scary as I thought it was. Of course the dangers were still there. My sister-in-law had her necklace snatched at one point.

But learning to commute--ride the jeep, the bus, the LRT, learn how to get down in the middle of Taft and not be run over by an oncoming bus. Navigating the planks that appeared during the rainy season to get to dry land, learning to squeeze myself into a packed train car during rush hour to get home before it was very dark. I haven't learned to commute at night though. My courage and sense of discovery and need has not taken me that far yet.

Javo's first few years had him running a block from our house to my in-law's place. He saluted and spoke to those who would talk to him--the guard, the sari-sari store owner, the jeepney passengers. I want my son to grow up being a friend to both worlds. I want him to grow up fearless of the people around him but in order to do this, I must learn to stand aside, let him explore and curb my instinct to keep him protected from life.

Play with love

My family--the descendants of Hilarion and Rosario Silayan--had another fun-filled weekend at the 4th edition of our Silayan games. We do this periodically to bond and renew ties and have fun. Our sportsfests are the funniest and the rules are the wackiest as most of us are non-athletes. The competitive ones sometimes become frustrated because most of the time we are just laughing our heads off and cheering each other on. The last Silayan games was held in the '90s when we were in our early adult years and my adult nieces and nephews were toddlers and gradeschoolers.

Arriving the day before the games were set and while waiting for the rest of the clan to arrive, we were watching the kids play billiards. We had been doing this for two or three hours when my cousin-in-law suggested the mommies watching played the game. My instinct was to decline as I did not know how to play the game but then as we began to stand and take our turn at shooting the ball, I decided ok, why not give it a chance.

We ended up playing a very long game because none of us could hit the ball enough to sink them in the pockets. As we were pressed for time but wanted to finish the game, we decided to have fun with the balls and move the white ball around. Our version of billiards became more fun as we each placed the ball where we thought we could hit and sink the others. Of course, sometimes the balls still refused to go in but still, we moved, we tried, and finally we conquered.

I realize the essence of play is to just enjoy the moment and not be so conscious about playing by the rules especially when there are no rules except to keep the peace and enjoy each other's company.

Thank you to my family who enjoy life and one another!

Keep the Big Picture Alive

After the highs of the past few days and the conviction of what I want to do with my life--work in the area of self-empowerment and the development of close family ties--I am now plagued by insecurity and self-doubt. Am I ready for such a big responsibility?

I now realize that as a human being, this happens to us every so often. And this would always happen to me in the past. But instead of bringing back my focus on what I wanted to do, I would remain in the space of self-doubt. I finally understand that the key is to understand what is happening (self-doubt), acknowledge its presence, but choose to keep my eyes on what I want--which is to have a community of empowered beings living together in peace and harmony.

Instead of giving in to the self-doubt which I would normally do, I realize that it is in going back to focus on what I want that my goal and ambitions in life will be realized. But how do I go back to focusing on what I want?
Step 1. realize what is happening
Step 2. acknowledge what is happening but do one small thing related to the goal (in my case, writing this blog)
Step 3. Create a vision board or post a reminder of what I want where I can see it always
Step 4. Believe, believe, believe! in my ability to achieve my goals

What about you? Do you have a goal which is buried deep in your heart? Bring it back to the sunlight and believe that it is possible. Take small steps to make it a reality.

Faith, Purpose, and Focus

Faith, purpose, and focus are key ingredients to living the life I want. This is what I got in the past two weeks. Two Sundays ago, the gospel reading was about Peter walking on water to go to Jesus a few feet away. While he was focused on his desire to reach Jesus, he was able to do anything including walk on water. He was unstoppable. When he realized what was happening and self-doubt entered the picture, that's when he began to sink.

Since declaring myself to be a stand for personal growth and self-discovery, I have been writing more often, getting my blog more active, and been shown a website I can join to reach more people. I find I finally have the ability to be focused and determined about what I want to achieve out of my life. I find I am capable of being unstoppable. It is when I doubt myself--am I good enough, who do I think I am to want to do this--it is when thoughts like these enter my mind that I lose the power and the strength to go after what I want.

Last night though, I finally got the word unstoppable during the last night of Landmark Forum. I finally got that to be unstoppable is to have a single purpose to focus on and put my heart and soul into achieving this. Just keep my eyes on the purpose (like a horse with blinders) and not look left, right or back (do not lose faith, do not doubt). With these in place, I can finally reach my destination.

What about you? Are there areas in your life where you want to be unstoppable?

Discovering love and purpose

Accepting myself unconditionally--my strengths and weaknesses--has opened up a whole new world for me because on the tail of unconditional acceptance came confidence and purpose.

I am not a psychologist neither am I a sociologist--I did not study human behavior but my observations are a result of my life journey. I am 46 years old and spent my adult years in search of answers to my perennial question: who Am I? Why was I born? Why did God put me on earth when, to my view, I had nothing to contribute. I hated myself and could not accept the talents and strengths that were given to me. I was always looking towards others for answers and got frustrated when all I received were the comments I was not looking for. These comments reinforced my already negative view of myself--I had no talent because I could not draw, I could not visualize. I hated myself because I was uncomfortable being an extrovert. I so badly wanted to be one because that is what I got growing up.

This view I had of myself frustrated those around me because they saw great potential in me but until I saw it and recognized it myself, nothing would come out of my life. And nothing did. I wallowed in mediocrity--doing things to get by and doing my best not to be noticed. In my life, I contributed little to conversation with others. I hid by playing with kids because I could just play with them and they always accepted me into their circle. I put up with shabby treatment because I did not want to cause a commotion. In other words, my self-esteem and self-love were nowhere to be found.

Recent events in my life (in previous entries) has given me acceptance, confidence--a voice and courage to approach people--I asked two of the Azkals players for an autograph and photo--this would never have happened and was unthinkable.

Finally, revealed a purpose--to talk about the importance of unconditional love and acceptance of the self and of others. This blog is a start. I am willing to use other platforms--that is how strongly it has made an impact in my life.

The Power of Speaking Up

I am 46 years old and this 46th year received tons of blessings on my birthday month. For almost as long as I can remember I have been grappling with personal issues of self-loathing and non-acceptance. What was once loathing had turned into an uneasy “acceptance” of myself but there was still some part that was constantly questioning who am I and what was I meant to do on this earth.

Early this month, I had a conversation with one of my good friends and in the course of this conversation finally made peace with my introverted personality. I had always been comfortable in small group gatherings rather than large ones. I had always been better at expressing my thoughts in the written word rather than the spoken word. In words rather than pictures. Organizing activities rather than prettyfying things. These were skills which I had but which I thought did not matter. So I always thought I lacked skills because I was looking for abilities to talk in front of others, be visual in picture form—but I was not those skills. I can work on those skills to enhance myself but I now know I own a set of God given talents. I am finally at peace with my personality and my skills. As soon as that peace and acceptance came upon me, the discomfort in my gut disappeared. In the books on self-development I have been devouring, the gut is where our self-esteem and self-love is felt.

A few days after that earth-shaking breakthrough, God sent me another birthday gift. I was given an opportunity to share my journey with my family. I have not been sharing because of fear—fear of what I will hear. Many times in the past my excitement in my little accomplishments were met with criticisms. My bubble of excitement would be pricked and burst right there. These experiences have taught me to keep quiet about my journey in case it is belittled. It is for me a great accomplishment and one I am very proud of. Alan, my youngest brother was to give an introduction to the Landmark Forum to the family. He asked me to support him and share my journey with them. I agreed to this simple request. I did not realize that opening up was the final step I needed to let go of the past and face my present and my future.

The simple act of speaking up changed my life. I speak up now—in the cab when the airconditioner doesn’t work, in restaurants when I am given the wrong order—these are mundane everyday activities I could never do before. I have finally found my voice.

I now know what I am meant to do—I am meant to journey with others accept themselves and find their own voices. I don’t know yet how that will happen. I know it will though.

In search of a computer

We are back online! A few days ago all our computers at home crashed--the PC and two laptops. I had looked forward to putting in some writing time while Javo was at school. Because I so dearly wanted to write, I became obsessed about not having one handy while I had the time. I completely forgot about those days when we had nothing but pen and paper for our use. When I finally remembered them, I looked for them and happily settled down getting my thoughts on paper.

Based on my experiences, this is what sometimes happens to us in life. We sometimes get obsessed about what we want to happen or how things should be that we get stuck and become blind to the other possibilities around us. We are sometimes unable to see the beauty right in front of us because of our anger, frustration, irritation or other negative emotions.

I know that as it became clearer that no computer was available that day, I became more agitated because I wanted to write and put my thoughts down.

As I remembered my pen and paper, sat down and began writing, I settled down and peace was in place again. All was right once more.

Mom and Me

I have been wanting to share my wonderful journey with mom for the longest time. But past conditionings--statements and actions made while I was growing up has made me very wary about saying anything to my mom and dad too. My siblings always threw lines like "tama na yan, Marla. Ayan ka na naman." And so I looked for friends who were willing to listen to my stories and my inquiries into life.

We were told not to cry while we were growing up. We were also criticized for shortcomings. They were meant well but were not received well. And so I stopped talking about the things that mattered most to me.

Things changed though when Alan, my youngest brother, asked me to support him and share my experience with the Landmark Forum to my family. Alan attended the Forum because of me but has remained active these past six years while I found other ways to travel through life. I agreed to support him as this has been so much a part of who he is and this meant a lot to him. It would also give me an opportunity to finally openly share of myself to my family. I was always scared I would fall short in their eyes as I seemed to do my whole life.

So when mom asked me about the Landmark Forum last Saturday. I finally opened up and told her of the many things I had gotten. It was great because it was a two-way conversation where she said she gets those from the many spiritual activities she attends. It was finally the conversation I had longed for--not the adult to child conversation they were accustomed to giving us and still gives me but a sharing of ideas and values and of what was important to us. This experience was my first weekend victory.

The next day I had an opportunity to share with a group. I was the last because I was not sure if I was needed or not. Something moved me to speak up though and talk and share to the people who mattered most to me. This was for me another victory because it appears to be the stop of my life. The one step I needed to do to help me move on with my life.

I feel that I have finally completed the past and the world is once more wide open and I am in a space where anything is possible! For that I thank Alan and my family--for giving me my life and opening up my world.

There is life in accepting myself

Since coming to that magical moment of accepting myself, the nagging discomfort at the pit of my tummy has disappeared.

Reading up on introversion, I find I am not strange after all. Those questions about life constantly plaguing me which my siblings found weird are part of who I am. The introvert has an inquiring mind. Although we live and breathe like everyone else, our world is directed inward. We get our energies from within--being around a lot of people drains our energy. I now understand why I am constantly tired and bothered when I am surrounded by a group of boisterous people.

Understanding myself has given me power over my energy and my life. I now have a choice to either stay with others and interact with them or to pull back and be by myself when it becomes too much.

I began practicing this in my life. Yesterday, after a particularly crowded day in my work area, I decided to look for a quiet place to read away from the maddening crowd. It worked! I got my energy back. I was not as tired when I got home and had energy to interact with Javo who is definitely an extrovert.

Acknowledging myself as an introvert has stopped that interior struggle constantly going on in my head when I am in a gathering of people. "Say something, start a conversation!" is one side and then the other side argues, "but what do I say?" and the more I try to think of something to say, the more it evades me. I am now comfortable with my decisions to sit quietly on the sidelines and watch the gathering.

I am now able to operate in this world to the best of my ability.

My emerging introvert

I'm an introvert! I can finally say it and shout it out. Although I have known this for a long time (through those MBTI tests and other personality tests), I have been denying it for an even longer time.

How could I be an introvert when I had to be the life of the party? When I had to wear heels, when I had to use makeup, when I had to be "posturosa," when I had to enjoy attending parties, when I had to be able to speak up. How could I be an introvert when I had to be all these. All these which I am not.

Who I am is a listener, a sturdy person who has a few select friends, someone who is more comfortable in a small group setting than in a room full of people, someone who would rather be in the sidelines organizing details.

Who I really am is the opposite of who I should be. And so this tug-of-war existed inside me for the better part of my life.

This tug-of-war has ended. I choose to follow my heart and be the person I was born to be with all my strengths and weaknesses. Where this will lead me I do not know but I know it will lead me forward.

High school life

After reading my blog on being a gopher, my friend asked me, "so what did you do while we were going out to the malls and the movies when we were in high school?"

My answer: I went home straight from school with no thought to going out. Just the thought of going out with my classmates would bring butterflies to my tummy. It was just easier to stay home than to have to deal with those feelings of anxiety.

After my first party in high school I decided that I did not want to attend any more parties and so my next party in high school was when I was in 4th year already. I did this because it was very uncomfortable being in the presence of very many people--much more persons of the opposite sex.

I would also not go out with classmates because I was just so overwhelmed by their personalities. I envied their outgoing personalities and so longed to be like that--to be able to know what to say to others and just make conversation. I, on the other hand, did not know what to say. And the harder I tried to think of something to say, the more I had nothing to say.

I do ok in a small intimate group setting but begin to shrink into nothingness when confronted by a big group.

I am only now beginning to accept that there is nothing wrong with who I am. It is only now I am learning to accept my reality and in accepting my reality, I am finally able to come out.

Growing up a Gopher

My husband Martin would often talk about the TV shows he would watch growing up and the actors and actresses who were popular back then. Although some of them would be familiar to me, I did not recognize most of them.

We were allowed to watch TV but for some reason, I could not remember many of the shows and artists. To explain this, I would tell him I lived most of my life underground. As a shy person, I could not bear for people to notice me and so I made myself as unnoticeable as possible. I was here and alive but I was not participating in life. I always wanted to be in the background so that nobody would see me.

I described myself to him as a gopher. Gophers live their lives underground but they also have to look out to find out if they were safe or if danger was close at hand.

I told Martin that I lived underground and hid most of the time but would sometimes come out to check the environment. Those were the times I remembered and recognized what was going on around me.

As a result of wanting to disappear, I have also become unobservant of the things around me. I realize that as a result of wanting to disappear, I also sometimes miss out on the beauty around me.

I am learning and slowly fighting my way into life.

Wriggling out of my Cocoon

I am a magazine editor. My work has me constantly meeting new people and discovering interesting places. I am sometimes called to speak in front of an audience, appear on TV, and sometimes radio. I do this as part of my work. I am shy.

I do these things with my heart beating a mile a minute. I feel my stomach clench in anxiety the minute I am in a room full of strangers (even classmates I have known since high school). I stand in front of an audience and I feel my heart beating so strong it feels like its in my forehead.

I prefer to live inside myself but there is something or someone that has been longing to be seen and heard. She has been knocking and making herself felt more often the past years but more strongly the past months.

Being shy has been with me since I was a child. Although it protected me from life and the "dangers" in it, it is now time to fly and see where life's adventures lead me.