In search of a computer

We are back online! A few days ago all our computers at home crashed--the PC and two laptops. I had looked forward to putting in some writing time while Javo was at school. Because I so dearly wanted to write, I became obsessed about not having one handy while I had the time. I completely forgot about those days when we had nothing but pen and paper for our use. When I finally remembered them, I looked for them and happily settled down getting my thoughts on paper.

Based on my experiences, this is what sometimes happens to us in life. We sometimes get obsessed about what we want to happen or how things should be that we get stuck and become blind to the other possibilities around us. We are sometimes unable to see the beauty right in front of us because of our anger, frustration, irritation or other negative emotions.

I know that as it became clearer that no computer was available that day, I became more agitated because I wanted to write and put my thoughts down.

As I remembered my pen and paper, sat down and began writing, I settled down and peace was in place again. All was right once more.

Mom and Me

I have been wanting to share my wonderful journey with mom for the longest time. But past conditionings--statements and actions made while I was growing up has made me very wary about saying anything to my mom and dad too. My siblings always threw lines like "tama na yan, Marla. Ayan ka na naman." And so I looked for friends who were willing to listen to my stories and my inquiries into life.

We were told not to cry while we were growing up. We were also criticized for shortcomings. They were meant well but were not received well. And so I stopped talking about the things that mattered most to me.

Things changed though when Alan, my youngest brother, asked me to support him and share my experience with the Landmark Forum to my family. Alan attended the Forum because of me but has remained active these past six years while I found other ways to travel through life. I agreed to support him as this has been so much a part of who he is and this meant a lot to him. It would also give me an opportunity to finally openly share of myself to my family. I was always scared I would fall short in their eyes as I seemed to do my whole life.

So when mom asked me about the Landmark Forum last Saturday. I finally opened up and told her of the many things I had gotten. It was great because it was a two-way conversation where she said she gets those from the many spiritual activities she attends. It was finally the conversation I had longed for--not the adult to child conversation they were accustomed to giving us and still gives me but a sharing of ideas and values and of what was important to us. This experience was my first weekend victory.

The next day I had an opportunity to share with a group. I was the last because I was not sure if I was needed or not. Something moved me to speak up though and talk and share to the people who mattered most to me. This was for me another victory because it appears to be the stop of my life. The one step I needed to do to help me move on with my life.

I feel that I have finally completed the past and the world is once more wide open and I am in a space where anything is possible! For that I thank Alan and my family--for giving me my life and opening up my world.

There is life in accepting myself

Since coming to that magical moment of accepting myself, the nagging discomfort at the pit of my tummy has disappeared.

Reading up on introversion, I find I am not strange after all. Those questions about life constantly plaguing me which my siblings found weird are part of who I am. The introvert has an inquiring mind. Although we live and breathe like everyone else, our world is directed inward. We get our energies from within--being around a lot of people drains our energy. I now understand why I am constantly tired and bothered when I am surrounded by a group of boisterous people.

Understanding myself has given me power over my energy and my life. I now have a choice to either stay with others and interact with them or to pull back and be by myself when it becomes too much.

I began practicing this in my life. Yesterday, after a particularly crowded day in my work area, I decided to look for a quiet place to read away from the maddening crowd. It worked! I got my energy back. I was not as tired when I got home and had energy to interact with Javo who is definitely an extrovert.

Acknowledging myself as an introvert has stopped that interior struggle constantly going on in my head when I am in a gathering of people. "Say something, start a conversation!" is one side and then the other side argues, "but what do I say?" and the more I try to think of something to say, the more it evades me. I am now comfortable with my decisions to sit quietly on the sidelines and watch the gathering.

I am now able to operate in this world to the best of my ability.

My emerging introvert

I'm an introvert! I can finally say it and shout it out. Although I have known this for a long time (through those MBTI tests and other personality tests), I have been denying it for an even longer time.

How could I be an introvert when I had to be the life of the party? When I had to wear heels, when I had to use makeup, when I had to be "posturosa," when I had to enjoy attending parties, when I had to be able to speak up. How could I be an introvert when I had to be all these. All these which I am not.

Who I am is a listener, a sturdy person who has a few select friends, someone who is more comfortable in a small group setting than in a room full of people, someone who would rather be in the sidelines organizing details.

Who I really am is the opposite of who I should be. And so this tug-of-war existed inside me for the better part of my life.

This tug-of-war has ended. I choose to follow my heart and be the person I was born to be with all my strengths and weaknesses. Where this will lead me I do not know but I know it will lead me forward.

High school life

After reading my blog on being a gopher, my friend asked me, "so what did you do while we were going out to the malls and the movies when we were in high school?"

My answer: I went home straight from school with no thought to going out. Just the thought of going out with my classmates would bring butterflies to my tummy. It was just easier to stay home than to have to deal with those feelings of anxiety.

After my first party in high school I decided that I did not want to attend any more parties and so my next party in high school was when I was in 4th year already. I did this because it was very uncomfortable being in the presence of very many people--much more persons of the opposite sex.

I would also not go out with classmates because I was just so overwhelmed by their personalities. I envied their outgoing personalities and so longed to be like that--to be able to know what to say to others and just make conversation. I, on the other hand, did not know what to say. And the harder I tried to think of something to say, the more I had nothing to say.

I do ok in a small intimate group setting but begin to shrink into nothingness when confronted by a big group.

I am only now beginning to accept that there is nothing wrong with who I am. It is only now I am learning to accept my reality and in accepting my reality, I am finally able to come out.

Growing up a Gopher

My husband Martin would often talk about the TV shows he would watch growing up and the actors and actresses who were popular back then. Although some of them would be familiar to me, I did not recognize most of them.

We were allowed to watch TV but for some reason, I could not remember many of the shows and artists. To explain this, I would tell him I lived most of my life underground. As a shy person, I could not bear for people to notice me and so I made myself as unnoticeable as possible. I was here and alive but I was not participating in life. I always wanted to be in the background so that nobody would see me.

I described myself to him as a gopher. Gophers live their lives underground but they also have to look out to find out if they were safe or if danger was close at hand.

I told Martin that I lived underground and hid most of the time but would sometimes come out to check the environment. Those were the times I remembered and recognized what was going on around me.

As a result of wanting to disappear, I have also become unobservant of the things around me. I realize that as a result of wanting to disappear, I also sometimes miss out on the beauty around me.

I am learning and slowly fighting my way into life.

Wriggling out of my Cocoon

I am a magazine editor. My work has me constantly meeting new people and discovering interesting places. I am sometimes called to speak in front of an audience, appear on TV, and sometimes radio. I do this as part of my work. I am shy.

I do these things with my heart beating a mile a minute. I feel my stomach clench in anxiety the minute I am in a room full of strangers (even classmates I have known since high school). I stand in front of an audience and I feel my heart beating so strong it feels like its in my forehead.

I prefer to live inside myself but there is something or someone that has been longing to be seen and heard. She has been knocking and making herself felt more often the past years but more strongly the past months.

Being shy has been with me since I was a child. Although it protected me from life and the "dangers" in it, it is now time to fly and see where life's adventures lead me.