After reading my blog on being a gopher, my friend asked me, "so what did you do while we were going out to the malls and the movies when we were in high school?"
My answer: I went home straight from school with no thought to going out. Just the thought of going out with my classmates would bring butterflies to my tummy. It was just easier to stay home than to have to deal with those feelings of anxiety.
After my first party in high school I decided that I did not want to attend any more parties and so my next party in high school was when I was in 4th year already. I did this because it was very uncomfortable being in the presence of very many people--much more persons of the opposite sex.
I would also not go out with classmates because I was just so overwhelmed by their personalities. I envied their outgoing personalities and so longed to be like that--to be able to know what to say to others and just make conversation. I, on the other hand, did not know what to say. And the harder I tried to think of something to say, the more I had nothing to say.
I do ok in a small intimate group setting but begin to shrink into nothingness when confronted by a big group.
I am only now beginning to accept that there is nothing wrong with who I am. It is only now I am learning to accept my reality and in accepting my reality, I am finally able to come out.
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